knitekat | Primeval crack!fic: Tea And Crackers

Title: Tea And Crackers
Author: knitekat
Word Count: ~800
Characters: James Lester, Nick Cutter.
Rating: 12
Disclaimer: Primeval belongs to Impossible Pictures. Certainly not me. Writing for fun and will replace. Nothing else in the fic belongs to me either.
A/N: Thanks to Luka for the beta.
Warning: Crack!Fic. The bunny bit and refused to let me write anything else until I wrote this. Continues in More Tea And Crackers

Lester looked up as Cutter entered his office. “Good of you to make time in your busy schedule, Cutter.”

“You said it was important.”

“Yes. Right. I... we have been thinking about...”

Cutter took a quick look around the office. “We? Lester...”

“Yes. Anthony and I thought we should get to know you better. Now we are working together. A meal at our flat?”

Cutter's eyebrow quirked. “Anthony? He's your partner?”

“Yes, yes. Well... I look after him. I mean, he worries, you know, and he's right to worry, because there are greys everywhere.”

“There are?” Cutter asked as he looked worriedly at Lester.

“Yes. They're everywhere and they're aggressive. I mean, it's amazing there are any reds left at all.” Lester looked up and noticed Cutter's expression. “Come on, everyone knows the reds live in constant fear of...” He looked around and whispered, “Them.”

“Them?” Cutter asked with trepidation.

Lester nodded. “Yes, them. People think they're just a different colour. People think they're cuddly.” He shook his head at the stupidity of people. “The squirrel equivalent of Nazis.”

Cutter opened and closed his mouth a few times before he managed, incredulously. “Your friend, Anthony, is a squirrel?”

Lester nodded again. “Yes.” He leaned forward, “You know, there used to be three million reds in this country. Three million. Anthony's not just a squirrel. He's a survivor.”

Cutter wondered if this was some kind of joke, but... Lester didn't seem the type of joke... “Lester? Are...”

Lester suddenly shushed Cutter and tilted his head to one side. He seemed to be listening intently to someone, before he nodded. “Good idea.”

“Lester?”

“Sorry, I'm being rude, aren't I?” Lester reached out and held his arm as if around someone's shoulder. “Cutter, this is Anthony. Anthony, meet Professor Nick Cutter.” Lester paused, “You remember, I told you about him.”

Cutter's concerned look grew as he watched Lester. “Lester... um, James? Are you OK?”

Lester blinked at him. “Of course.”

“Um.” Cutter took a deep breath and edged slightly nearer to the door. His voice as calm and careful as he could make it, Cutter asked, “James? You and I are the only ones here. There's no one else.”

Lester looked at Cutter for a moment in amazement before ducking his head as if listening to someone beside him. He chuckled and nodded. “Yes, he did. Good catch, Anthony.” Lester turned his attention back to Cutter. “You almost got me, Cutter.”

“James?” Cutter edged slightly closer to the door. “Who are you talking to?”

Lester blinked. “I won't fall for it twice.” He frowned as he seemed to realise that Cutter was edging closer and closer to the door. “Have you got something important to do? I thought we could all have a nice cup of tea.” He glanced to his side again. “Ah, no he hasn't.” Lester turned his attention back to Cutter. “Ant's a bit upset. Says you haven't spoke a word to him. You haven't even acknowledged him.”

“I don't speak squirrel.”

Lester folded his arms. “That's very funny. I really do think you should say something.”

“Um.” Cutter was looking rather nervous by this point as he wondered how on earth Lester was still in charge of this operation. Hadn't anyone at the Home Office realised that Lester had gone mad? Seeing Lester's expectant look, Cutter managed, “Ahh. Nice to met you, Anthony. I've got to go.”

Lester frowned again. “If that's the best you can do, then maybe you should go.”

“Right.” Cutter made for the door. On the threshold he stopped and turned back to Lester. He couldn't just leave Lester like this. The man might be a danger to himself or others. He also had to wonder why no one else had noticed... Maybe Lester was usually much better at concealing his condition? “Um. Er. It that meal still on, James? Maybe um... Claudia could come as well? We can talk. The th... four of us. OK?”

Lester glared at him, before he half-turned and sighed. “Anthony would like that.” Lester picked up his pen and began to read a document, looking up in annoyance. “Still here, Cutter? I thought you had something to do?”

“Right.” Cutter nodded, a quizzical look on his face. “Yes.”

Lester sighed softly. “Cutter?”

“Yes?”

“Are you feeling all right? You seem a little...” Lester waved his hand in a vague circular motion. “Odd.”

Cutter's eyebrow almost disappeared into his hair. “No. I'm fine. I'll... um, see you later.”

A/N: In a Doc Martin ep, Ben Miller played a somewhat odd character with a 6' invisible red squirrel called Anthony as a friend.