Primeval fic: That Which Doesn't Kill Us

[knitekat]

Title: That Which Doesn't Kill Us

Author: knitekat

Word Count: ~3530

Characters: James Lester/Tom Ryan

Rating: 18

Disclaimer: Primeval belongs to Impossible Pictures. Certainly not me. Writing for fun and will replace.

A/N: From Fred's birthday from her prompt: Lester/Ryan: some hurt/comfort, with Ryan being totally exhausted from a bad day in the field and not able to come. Awkward sex and snuggles. Um, not necessarily what you meant. Hope you are having a lovely birthday.

A/N2: Thanks to the wonderful Luka for the beta. Cheer m'dear.

A/N3: Part of my Trust universe.

Today had started out so well that I had to wonder if I should have expected it to go so horribly wrong. I knew I would have multiple reports to read tonight, examining the entire operation in microscopic detail. That I would be expected to justify the actions my people had taken in the field to the minister first thing tomorrow. That I, with Ms Brown, would have to visit the families and inform them of the sanitised versions of how their relatives had died.

I sighed heavily as I reviewed the original report on the anomaly, knowing that the team would not have written their own yet. More than anything they would just want to go home and I didn't blame them. All I wanted to do was check on Ryan, to see for myself he was whole and hale. But I couldn't, not yet, duty came first.

I looked up as my office door was opened and Ms Maitland entered. I quirked an eyebrow at her, wondering what had caused her to abandon her routine and instead appear before me splattered with mud. I just hoped she wasn't leaving any of it in my office.

“Ms Maitland, I assume there is...”

I was not amused when she cut me off before I could finish. However, her next words stopped my dead.

“Lester, Ryan's blaming himself for those deaths. There wasn't anything he could have done to prevent them.”

“What does that have...?”

Ms Maitland folded her arms and just glared at me, but before she could continue both Hart and Cutter arrived. They were covered in even more mud than Ms Maitland was and I wasn't sure if they had been diving out of the way of the creatures or writhing in the mud together. The later thought almost had my lips twitch into a smile, except for their concerned expressions. I couldn't help the suspicion that they all knew about my relationship with Ryan.

Cutter wasted no time with any small talk, which didn't surprise me. The man wouldn't have lasted five minutes in the civil service with that sort of attitude, I supposed academia was more used to mavericks in their midst. His words, however, stopped my musings cold and proved without a doubt that Cutter, at least, knew.

“Bloody hell, man. Go to Ryan, he needs you.”

“Cutter?” I struggled to keep my face blank.

“Don't. He's your lover and he's hurting. Take him home and shag him.”

Hart sighed and shook his head at his own lover. “Subtle, Nick.”

A smile flickered across Ms Maitland's mouth before she caught the surprised look on my face. “Please, Lester. Take care of Ryan.” She gestured around my office. “All of this can wait, Ryan can't.”

When I spied Ditzy at my office door too, I just admitted defeat. “Fine. Now shoo.”

“You're taking the boss home, sir?”

I closed my eyes and counted to ten. Great, all the soldiers knew too. Although, thinking about it, they were probably the first to know about us. “Yes. If, that is, you all leave now.”

They exchanged glances and hastily beat a retreat, obviously deciding that they had succeeded in their task. Which they had. However, they wouldn't get away with this and I called out before they left, “However, I want all of your reports on my desk first thing tomorrow morning.”

Ms Brown's voice cut in at that moment. I hadn't even noticed her entering my office. “No, Sir James. All the reports will be on my desk first thing. You will be having a day off to look after Captain Ryan.”

“Ms Brown...”

I was beginning to get annoyed with the number of people who refused to allow me to finish a sentence.

“Ryan needs you, Sir James.” Ms Brown smiled softly. “I know what needs to be done. I'll explain to the minister you went home tonight with a severe migraine.”

I sighed. From the look on their faces, I would be in serious trouble if I came in tomorrow and left Ryan by himself. But I was not willing to be defeated by this attempted coup. “I'll take Ryan home and then decide about tomorrow.”

As I strolled out of my office, I heard Hart's comment to Ms Brown, “He won't be in tomorrow.” and her reply, “I know.” Their words sent a shiver of worry down my back. Just how badly had this operation affected my lover?

***

Ryan had been staring out of the window for the entire trip home from the ARC. The most response I had gained from my attempts at light conversation had been ambiguous grunts. As I watched him climb listlessly out of the car and walk slowly towards the front door, I knew that Ms Brown and the others had been correct. I would not be in tomorrow. I pulled my mobile out and dialled a number.

“Ms Brown.” I rubbed my eyes. “Yes. If there is anything...” My lips twitched slightly as she cut me off, once more. “I will and goodnight, Ms Brown.”

I followed my lover inside and found myself pondering the various plans I had formed since I had lain eyes on Ryan. I was no longer annoyed at my team ambushing me and making me go home with Ryan. Not that I'd be informing them of that, they might get ideas. I thought we'd kept our relationship secret, but it would appear that we had been as successful in that as Cutter and Hart had been in concealing theirs.

I shook myself. What Cutter and the others knew or didn't know was irrelevant now, only Ryan was important. I reached out to hold Ryan, only to have him duck from my embrace and push past me. I turned around and watched Ryan walk away from me. It almost broke my heart to see him so... so broken.

I shook myself and set out to find Ryan, to hold my lover in my arms. And while I couldn't make it better and I couldn't take away what had happened, I could, however, hold Ryan tight and tell him I loved him.

I found Ryan in the kitchen, an unopened beer on the table as he stared out the window. He jumped when I placed my hands on his shoulders. I could feel the tension radiating out of his body.

“Tom.”

Ryan didn't move, he didn't react. I bit back a sigh and wrapped my arms around him, holding him tight against my chest. It felt like I was hugging a statue.

“Tom?” I spoke quietly in my lover's ear. “Please, Tom. Talk to me.” I nuzzled his neck as I sought any reaction from him, even a punch or being told to fuck myself would have been eagerly received. At least it would mean Ryan was reacting to me, to his surroundings, not lost in some kind of fugue.

I moved my hands to his shoulders and rubbed at his tense muscles. Slowly, almost unnoticeably, his shoulders relaxed. I took that as progress and tugged him with me. The fact that Ryan was meekly following behind me like some well-trained dog didn't sit well with me. I was used to a more animated lover.

At least Ryan had showered and changed at the ARC. It meant I only had to strip my unresponsive lover and get him into our bed. I swiftly followed, holding Ryan against me as I combed my fingers through his hair.

I would get through to Ryan, he had done so much for me. So bloody much. I owed him almost as much as I owed Karen.

***

I was dozing when a soft caress woke me and I looked into Ryan's eyes. The lost look he gave me almost broke my heart.

“Tom?”

Ryan swallowed before he pushed me back into my pillow, a hard kiss pressed against my lips, his tongue demanding entrance. If he needed this, I wasn't about to argue. It was only when he pushed his thigh between mine and grabbed my arse that I froze.

No. Please, no. I was begging them to stop, to let me go. But they didn't. I felt my legs forced open and then pain. Pain beyond anything I had experienced lanced through my body, my arse was on fire. Every thrust tore my heart and trust to shreds. I was beyond words now, only whimpers and wordless screams emerged from my throat.

I felt a gentle hand on my face as I came back to reality. Ryan was no longer on top of me. Instead, I was pushed as far into the corner of the room as I could go. I was shaking hard enough that I thought I could hear my bones rattle. I ran a badly trembling hand through my hair. Bloody hell, I hadn't had a flashback that bad for years.

Ryan was crouched to the side, against one of the walls. He was so obviously not blocking me in, leaving me an escape route. Fuck, I was supposed to be looking after him, not the other way around.

“I'm sorry, James. I'd never...” He shook his bowed head, “I wouldn't...”

I swallowed and took a deep calming breath. My voice was slightly shaky as I nodded. I forced Ryan to look up, to meet my eyes. “I know you wouldn't force me, love.” I pulled him closer until I could kiss him on the lips, this time my tongue asking for entrance. I rested my head against his when we finally broke the kiss.

“I'm so sorry, James.” Hearing Ryan sounding so broken almost broke me. “I messed up. I... people died because of me.”

“No. No, you didn't” My voice was firm, I just hoped Ryan would pay attention to it.

Unfortunately, Ryan was having none of it. “Yes I did. Cutter will be at your door tomorrow...”

I pressed my fingers against his mouth, cutting off his words. “He already has...” I saw the bleakness in Ryan's face and hurried on before he could get the wrong idea, “As have Hart, Ms Brown, Ms Maitland and Ditzy. They're worried about you, love.”

Ryan pulled free of my fingers. “They told you...?”

I nodded. “They did. They told me there was nothing you could have done. Nothing, Tom.” I smiled softly, “They also told me to take care of you.”

I saw a flash of the old Ryan I loved so much as he asked, “They know about us?”

“Yes. Hart and Maitland were subtle about it. Cutter, in his normal bull in a china shop way, just told me to shag you.”

“Oh.”

“Yes, exactly. We weren't as subtle as we thought.”

“Do you mind?”

I looked at him for a moment, then said, “Why should I mind that they know we are together? I'm not ashamed of what we have. I couldn't be, Tom, I love you.”

“What about the minister?”

“The only thing the minister is concerned about is success.” I kissed Ryan, soft and gentle. “And, really, it's none of his damned business who I'm in love with.”

Ryan took a shuddering breath. “Make love to me.”

“Tom?”

“Please, I want to feel life tonight. Not...”

He shook his head as if to dislodge dark memories, something I understood only too well. There was only one answer I could give. “Of course, Tom.”

Ryan pulled me to my feet and led me back to our bed. When he climbed onto it and rolled over onto his stomach, my breath caught at the sight of his arse. Muscular and smooth and mine. I ached to be inside of him, but not yet. This was for Ryan. I would make it the best shag we had ever had. I remembered the care he had shown that first Christmas we had shared together. I would, I could, do no less for him.

I straddled his hips and dug my fingers into his shoulders. As I expected, they were tense and corded like steel beneath my grip. I wouldn't fuck him when he was this tense, it would hurt, as I knew far too well. I refused to give Ryan that memory.

My fingers stroked and squeezed and slid across Ryan's shoulders and upper back, moving from knot to knot as I slowly loosened them. I followed my fingers with my mouth, kissing and licking and nuzzling his skin.

I repeated the progress – fingers than mouth – as I moved down his body to his thighs. He moaned as I pressed only one kiss to his arse before paying attention to his lovely legs. The thought of those firm thighs wrapped around my waist or quivering underneath me as I pounded inside his sweet arse almost undid me. My cock was so hard and leaking that I was leaving a trail of pre-come over Ryan's skin. I took myself in a tight grip and willed my need back down. I knew I'd come before I was inside him, but I wanted to take Ryan with me to that peak, before we climbed together to another.

Several deep breaths later, I nudged Ryan's leg wider and made myself comfortable between them. I licked and nuzzled his arse cheeks, rubbing my face against them so he could feel my stubble rasping over his skin.

I carefully opened him and smiled as I pressed my face against his crack and licked a strip along it, making sure I rasped his tender inner thighs with my stubble as I repeated the act. I snaked a hand under his body to stroke his hard cock.

Finally, I applied myself to his hole, swirling my tongue around the rim before dipping it inside. I pushed it in as deep as I could and then thrust it in and out a few times. Withdrawing, I flicked it over his pucker and then blew over it. I smiled as his flesh goosebumped.

Driving my tongue back inside Ryan's willing body, I found my own hips were pumping as I humped the bed, almost unconsciously seeking my own relief. Desperate to drive Ryan to his own completion, I re-doubled my efforts as I drove my tongue repeatedly into his wet hole and stroked his cock hard and fast.

With a final gasp I stiffened and came.

I came back to myself to find I was lying in a wet patch (not comfortable) with my face buried against Ryan's arse (very nice, thank you). I reached a hand around to Ryan's cock and sighed.

He was still hard.

I managed to lever myself up on shaky arms and held Ryan, my voice hoarse. “Tom? I'm sorry.”

“Just fuck me, James.”

“Tom?”

“James!” Ryan sounded... I'm not sure what he sounded like, I'd never heard him speak like that before. “I'll come when you fuck me.”

I wasn't convinced by that comment. Actually, I seemed to recall making a similar one long ago. The first time I went with another man after... say it, James. It was still a painful memory, but the man who I held in my arms had given me new memories to replace the nightmares and flashbacks.

I pulled Ryan against my chest and kissed his hair. “Not yet, love. We... you need to talk.”

“James, there is nothing to talk about.”

“Really?”

“So, I haven't come yet. I will if you'd just fuck me.”

“We need to talk about today first.”

“I don't want to.” Ryan tried to pull out of my arms, but I refused to let him.

“No, Tom.” I sighed heavily. “Don't keep your emotions in. I know how poisonous that can be.”

“James?” Ryan looked at me, his expression wavering between hard man and concern for me.

I didn't like speaking about it, but if it would help Ryan... “I never told anyone about the rape, Tom. I bottled up the emotions and pretended everything was fine. I wouldn't even cry.”

“James.” Ryan stroked my arm. “Don't...”

I pressed a finger against his lips as he needed to hear what I had to say. “I told myself I was fine. I even told myself I had deserved what had happened to me.”

“What!” Ryan looked outraged at my comment, which was far better than the passiveness he had projected most of the evening.

I shrugged. “I thought he was telling the truth. That it was my fault for leading him on. For offering him my arse but never giving it to him.” I could see the thunder grow in his expression. “I was a kid, what did I know.”

“He was wrong, James. You didn't do anything to deserve what happened.”

“I know. Now. It took you and Karen to show me that.”

Ryan looked thoughtful for a moment, “How old were you?”

“When he... they raped me?” I didn't even wait for Ryan's nod. “Seventeen.”

“Bloody hell. That bastard. If I ever get hold of him...”

“Shh, Tom,” I soothed him. “That isn't important. What is important is that I never talked to anyone about it. I thought I was over it when I felt the urge to be with someone. I found some guy I liked the look of in a bar and we fucked. Like you, I could get an erection but I couldn't come. He loved it, being reamed up the arse all night, but I didn't come once.” I sighed softly. “It took such a bloody long time before I could come inside an arse, I thought I would never be able to. The night I finally did I was so bloody happy I almost went with the same guy twice.”

“What happened?” Ryan sounded both interested and concerned as he listened to my story.

“I got shit-scared when I saw him waiting for me. All I could remember was how much it hurt to be raped. I thought he'd want to fuck me and I just couldn't do that. I left and didn't go back to that club.” I shook my head. “I'd just finished university and had a job in London. A new club scene to get into.”

Ryan pulled me into a hug and kissed me. “And you met Karen?”

I nodded. “I think it was the stress of starting work, having to show I could do it and pushing for promotion. I just had to get release. I was out clubbing every night. Fucking a new stranger every time, sometimes two, after a really hard day. I didn't care who they were or where they were from. I never got names. I just wanted to bury myself in their arses and fuck.” I smiled as I felt Ryan stroke my back. “Karen noticed and stopped my self-destruction. She sat me down and talked to me. She made me see I was only hurting myself, that I would lose everything if I carried on like that.”

Ryan sighed softly. “Like you're doing for me now?”

I nodded again. “I don't want you to go through what I did, Tom. What happened wasn't your fault. You couldn't have saved those people, but you did save all the others.”

“Did you?”

I frowned at him, confused as I hadn't been at the anomaly. “Did I what?”

“Realise the rape wasn't your fault?”

I sighed. Oh, that. “In the end. Karen made me see it. She told me I hadn't done anything to deserve it. If he had really loved me, he would have waited until I was ready.”

“I can see why you married her.”

“It was for convenience first. She wanted kids. I wanted kids and a shield to hide behind.” I grinned widely as I continued, a feeling of warmth washing over me at the memories. “I fell in love with her almost without realising it. But she's the only woman I have ever loved. The only one I ever will.” I saw Ryan's lips twitch at my expression when I turned to face him, “And you are the only man I have ever loved. The only one I ever want to love.”

A tear ran down Ryan's face as he pulled me into a kiss. “I love you too, James.”

I pulled him against me and rubbed his back. “Cry, Tom. It helps.” First, I heard sniffles and then, slowly, I felt him shake as he let it out. Oh, I knew this wasn't over, the events of today would haunt him for a long time, but it was a start.

And together, we would get through this.

Comments

[canadian-jay.livejournal.com]

*snuggles the boys* Ach! So much angst in one fic - that flashback... completely unexpected! And brilliant. Just... great, great fic.

[knitekat.livejournal.com]

Thanks and the boys both need to be snuggled. It was supposed to be Ryan angst, but James decided to bear his soul too, esp after the flashback. Glad you liked the fic.

[fredbassett]

Ooooh, poor Ryan and poor James!

I do so love your first person fics and this was just perfect :)

I love the way Lester was oblivious to the fact that everyone knew what was going on.

And Cutter failing to be subtle was a joy. *g*

Thank you, this was wonderful!

[knitekat.livejournal.com]

Hope you've had a great birthday!

I was mean to them (again).

Glad you are liking the first person, I must admit, I'm enjoying writing James' pov.

Um, I think it might have been denial in the face of any evidence otherwise.

Cutter is never subtle, so he seemed to obvious one to make the comment.

Glad you liked it, I do like playing in this universe.

[reggietate.livejournal.com]

Great angst! :-) Interesting backstory for Lester, too.

[knitekat.livejournal.com]

Thanks, the angst took over. Lester's backstory started in 'Trust' and then took this fic over *pets poor Lester*

[lukadreaming.livejournal.com]

I'm really enjoying this universe. And yay for angst and snuggles!

[knitekat.livejournal.com]

Good to know you like the universe (esp as you've played in it too *g*) Angst and snuggles were required, it just went a bit more angsty than I expected.

Thanks again for the beta.

[telperion-15.livejournal.com]

Ahhhhh, lovely angst! And I loved James opening up about happened to him in the past :)

[knitekat.livejournal.com]

Thanks, glad you liked the angst. I think this is one of the few situations when James would open up about it,(even if he did it without telling me he was going to).

[shadowcat]

I just want to hug them both.

[knitekat.livejournal.com]

Thanks and please do, the boys need a hug or two.

[ebonyfeather.livejournal.com]

Poor boys! So glad they've got each other...

[knitekat.livejournal.com]

Thanks. *nods* it is a good thing they have each other.

[nietie.livejournal.com]

I love your first person fics.
My heart broke when Ryan started to cry *huggles James and Ryan* Keep talking, keep snuggling, and things will get better, boys.

[knitekat.livejournal.com]

Thanks, I've decided I quite like writing first person fics now.
*pets nietie* Don't worry, James will look after Ryan *nods* (and Ryan will look after James).

[comnena39.livejournal.com]

*sniffles* Ouchies, but lovely at the same time.

[knitekat.livejournal.com]

*passes tissue* The boys are/have suffered, but they are there for each other. Glad you liked it.

[fififolle]

Aw! That was lovely! *huggles them*

[knitekat.livejournal.com]

Thanks, glad you liked it and the boys need the huggles.

[aoifes_isle]

*Pets the boys gently*

Gorgeous!

[knitekat.livejournal.com]

*hugs the boys* I was mean to them (esp, Ryan).

Thanks for reading.